Edition 2 Issue #31
TRUTH! I must be Truthful, and tell the Truth in all my affairs! This has liberated me from the bondage of self. When I did the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous®, this self-seeking inventory of my life, the liberation it provides commenced with identifying that I was a liar. I was lying to myself, and everybody else, I had made up so many stories and embellished stuff to make myself grandiose, to feel better, and this actually was because I felt inadequate deep inside. I felt lesser than, I was unable to cope with life on life’s terms, and I had this make-believe life, sometimes it was real and things went exceedingly well. I maintained a circle of friends and associates and was at the top of my game. But this could not last because it was a life based on false pride and deception.
By taking a complete and in-depth moral inventory, through those twelve Steps of AA (you can do it in NA, GA, SA, OEA, Co-dependants Anonymous, or any number of “anonymous” programs derived form the AA program of recovery), I was able to identify the false feelings of inadequacy, to be able to recognize these feelings of “lesser than” where all an illusion and that I am a child of God, Loved as all the children of the Universe are, that the God of my understanding was a Loving God, and there was only separation (See my blog on “SEPARATION” in the April 25, 2015 post, be sure to subscribe to our newsletter and receive it directly in your inbox so you don’t miss anything) bathed in self-deception for the longest time, for me it was the best part of a 35 year battle with addiction and alcoholism. I felt abandoned, alone, and in complete and utter despair: until I did the work in AA and chose a God of my understanding who was an ALL LOVING GOD, who never forsake me, who was there waiting for me to accept the Gift of Grace as was so freely given. It was there all along, the Gift of Grace, but I hadn’t acknowledge it, I had only to look at it and accept it! Like picking up a $100.00 dollar bill on the ground, it’s not worth anything to me if I leave it where it is. I had to accept this gift for what it was: The Gift of GRACE of an ALL Loving GOD. I needed this to release, or replace, the sense of ease and comfort in the freedom brother alcohol gave me, and it became my best friend, supplemented in due course by any and all drugs I could get to enhance, embellish, or extend the “buzz”. Knowing the GRACE of GOD has allowed me to re-program the ‘default’ settings in my subconscious with purpose.
If I hold onto secrets, if I have reservations in my program of recovery and withhold some deep pain, something I think I shouldn't release to anyone, anyhow, then I am holding onto ‘pain body’. “I hold on for dear life to the things which are killing me.” As our late friend Scotty would often say: And he was right; the littlest thing I hold in the furthest corner of my heart is a ‘Pain Body’ which must be released lest I wallow in pain and suffering. Anything I hold onto will fester and create dis-ease within my Soul. I will never find peace and serenity unless I become totally willing (read up on “WILLINGNESS” in the April 29 , 2015 blog post. SUBSCRIBE today to be sure to receive the blogs directly to your inbox) and truthful in all my affairs. Read here ALL my affairs, ALL my past pain, ALL of my past behaviors and inadequacies. All the suffering I experienced and the pain and suffering I exposed others to, willingly or not!
Here I must elaborate on the ‘willingly or not’, as we, in the grips of alcoholism, as we slip further and further into the dis-ease of alcoholism and addiction, we think we are not harming others as we distance ourselves. We think it’s best if we just go away, sever ties with friends, change our circle of friends. For me I lowered the bar. The difference between a normal person and an alcoholic (or an addict) is we change our goals to suit our behavior where as a normal person changes their behavior, and patterns of habit, to attain their goals. And I, as an alcoholic, constantly changed my circle of friends whenever anyone questioned my excessive drinking. I changed or lost jobs and thought this normal, I would sober up for a few days and start all over again, I would end, or lose relationships with girlfriends, and would just start over again. I severed ties with family, as they were in the way of my alcoholism, and addiction, all the while thinking I was not harming anyone but myself. That what they don't know won't hurt them. But I was delusional, the harm I cause and the wreckage of my past to put alcohol and drugs before everything else in my life! That is the power these substances have over the alcoholic/addict.
Our self-honesty is the most important trait we now have. We need to properly develop relationship, bridge the damaged and broken relationships of the past. All the damage we have done in the past can be repaired only if we adopt true self-honesty in all our dealing and all our affairs. The truth will always shine through, and for a guy like me who has burned bridges for the better part of 30-35 years of heavy alcoholism, and addiction to drugs, this comes with great difficulty as the default setting are deeply imprinted. I have to remain diligent. We have to understand habit-force, and how this establishes itself in our living patterns.
I often refer to my default settings; I relate it to my computer, or my handheld smartphone. Have you ever changed a program to have it continuously, when you least expect it to: to revert back to default? Like a virus in the computer program, my default settings are set by the habit-force I develop over years in a certain way, being a gang member we thought and acted differently than ‘normal people’. Not only was my thinking different that way, it was full of lies and make-believe and embellishment and grandiosity, especially at the latter part of my addiction when things started to get messy and sloppy and my life was shattered. The lies and fantasy within my head easily shifting from “better-than” grandiosity, to self-deprecating thoughts of “I’m not good enough” recalling the thoughts in the back of my head when I was a child being told: “you’re good for nothing”, you’ll never amount to anything”, “you’re rotten to the core” “you’re stupid”, “you’ll never graduate” “you need to get in the remedial class”…. Etc.… The ideas and put-downs from childhood have taken up a great space in the inner core, the inner thoughts and recollection for when things are difficult. A good exercise to replace these awful thoughts is Emile Coué de la Châtaigneraie’s (Better known as Émile Coué) the French psychologist and pharmacist who developed self-improvement based on optimistic, repetitive, sayings: my favorite is “Every day in every way I get better and better” I repeat this often, because it’s the TRUTH! I am not lesser than, I and not a victim of my upbringing I am not a result of past conditioning. I am a child of GOD, living in this amazing world of opportunity and abundance. The Source of All ther is provides for all children on this planet, in the universe.
SERVICE and PURPOSE
Today I can be of maximum service to my fellow man, I can help those in need because I have the Gift of Grace and sobriety bestowed upon me and freely given to me by those who have done the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous® before me and have shared their experience strength and hope, as well as initiated me into the process of the complete program of recovery which incudes the 12 Step work, as well as service, and unity of beings within, and without of the rooms of AA. Our primary purpose is to help those who are still suffering; and I take this commitment very seriously. I have been freely given the gift of recovery and I need to carry the message to others. I have been given a gift, which enables me to live a meaningful, purpose driven life, to be a constructive member of society.
“Every day in every way I get better and better”
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